Reasons why I feel guilty posting pictures of my body online:
- ‘Too fat for fitspo’ I say this lightly and I hope it doesn’t offend anyone, I know I am not fat. There is also nothing wrong with being fat. However, the internet is flooded with leaner women, women with larger muscles or slimmer waists. When I post pictures, I feel like it feeds my ED and encourages negative comparison. I don’t feel like I have achieved enough. When I post a photo, I end up just feeling attention seeking and not good enough. I see extremely lean women call themselves fluffy and talk about cutting, which makes me feel ridiculous.
- ‘Too fit for bopo.’ I know that bopo comes in all shapes and sizes, but I have a body shape which tends to reinforce something that is unattainable for many people. I am naturally slim, and yes I have worked hard to build shape and definition, but I don’t feel like my body type is one we need more of splashed across the internet.
So where does that leave me? On the rare occasion that I feel good about my body, or want to photograph some progress, I end up feeling more guilty. I see other women being lifted up, boosted by others and praised for being brave, for being inspiring and encouraging body positivity. But I end up feeling like a fraud, caught between two camps.
I guess a lot of people reading this will be thinking, poor little white girl, never been over a size 10, born and blessed with a body that many people would love to have. I’m sorry. I feel that way towards myself a lot of the time. But thoses feelings all point in the same direction and that direction is one that leads to and perpetuates disordered eating and compulsive exercising.
So what is there to do? Say ‘fuck it I’m getting cheese fries,’ abandon all exercise and allow myself to settle for a rounder, less defined physique? This would certainly please many people I know – ‘hurrah, she’s recovered,’ she must have now she looks more like the rest of us…
Or do I give in to the voice that urges me to measure my food and ramp up my exercise? It would certainly be a relief to stop fighting it, even if that was at the expense of my social life and career.
This post was supposed to be about why I feel guilty posting photos online, but it’s not really about that. It’s why my body makes me, and others, uncomfortable. And I’m sorry, to anyone who I have made feel uncomfortable, but I am more sorry to myself – for not being able to accept my body for how it is, or how it might be in the future.